Well technically it's Thursday, which means that tomorrow is our rehearsal dinner and in two days I'll be married. I'm stressed out, having really bad anxiety problems, and am really, really confused.
We've had our share of problems in our relationship -- no relationship is perfect. But we've always managed to work through them. Ever since we bought the house things have just fallen apart it seems. We've had sex twice in the last 2 months. We weren't doing it like bunnies before (maybe once a week) but this is the worst it's been.
After we moved into our house, things just kind of went flat. He got incredibly fed up with me during the move because I wanted to try to paint the whole house before we moved in (we had 24 hours from closing to when we got the truck). Yeah it was ambitious, and no we didn't get it all done but we did get most of it done. Plus we ripped the carpeting up in both bedrooms. So I set my standards high... so what? I'm not griping about not getting it done. He keeps bringing it up and throwing it in my face, as if I failed or am wrong to set such a goal... and I don't get why he's even complaining because he hardly painted. He just helped with the carpeting (which needed to go -- he agreed once he started pulling it up). Then he got angry with me for getting angry with him for wanting to run off to his football game. I'm sorry but we just had a half dozen people help us move, some of them driving from 45 minutes away, and you're going to just throw some pizza and soda at them and take off? That's incredibly rude.
I think things just kind of built up from there. He has this bad tendency to hold grudges, and maybe it's because I know him so well but it's incredibly obvious to me. He can't let something go that I said 2 years ago. Get. Over. It.
About a month ago I started having cold feet, and I wrote him an email explaining it. He took it completely the wrong way and wanted to call off the wedding. We talked and worked things out and decided to continue on with the wedding. A few days later he brought up the email again and it turned into a huge fight. Things were okay for about a week, and now they've slowly started to fall apart again. We've been bickering and picking stupid fights with one another... it's just exhausting.
Last Sunday we watched the Sex and the City movie for the first time together. Afterwords we were standing in the kitchen talking and he grabbed my hands and pulled me in close, and looked me in the eyes. I thought he was going to say something like he used to, about how lucky he felt to have me, etc. He said he was scared, had his doubts, reiterated the fact that he didn't feel comfortable marrying me, but said that he would "swallow his fears" and basically suck it up and marry me anyway, and just hope it all works out. "Whatever happens, happens." I didn't really know what to say, so I just said, "I'm glad we're on the same page." Great way to start a marriage.
I want to talk to someone about this so bad -- just tell someone and get it all off my chest. I can't just call this person up to talk though, especially not at 3am. We're not friends like that either, I just feel like he's an easy person to talk to and he might be able to understand where I'm coming from a little bit.
I could really use a cigarette right now, but I left them all at work with someone so I wouldn't go crazy with them. I'll get them when I go in next week to drop off our left over wedding cake. Maybe I can tell the person I want to talk to about it then. I'm kind of dreading it though, because I know there will be a look of disappointment on his face. I always come off as this smart mouthed, strong, independent person and now I'm sitting here looking at the list of things I have to do tomorrow that are wedding related... and my eyes are watering thinking about having to pick up our marriage license. Big girls don't cry. Big girls don't marry someone unless they're sure it's right.
"I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then I wish I could start this whole thing over again I'm not saying' it's you, You could never be true I just don't wanna know how it ends You'd still have my heart in the palm of your hands I'd still look like a fool in front of your friends Yeah, I wish somehow I didn't know now what I didn't know then"
So... I haven't used this lately and I doubt anyone reads it, but I need to vent so here it goes.
I looked at our wedding website that has a wonderful countdown on the front page: 23 days. I'm petrified. I have a huge list of things to do, I'm working, I'm going to school and I feel like I can barely keep up with that. On top of that I'm trying to exercise to get back in shape and for my health but it's so exhausting. I can't even get out of bed most days. I end up having to take Nyquil to get to bed, then I sleep way too long and wake up feeling groggy.
I think today it the full scale of the problems has finally hit me. Geoff and I are just so distant lately... since we moved, really. We had a few "moments" since then but nothing major. Hell we didn't even see each other yesterday. By the time I got home from school he was already in bed. When he left this morning for work, there was no hug and kiss, no, "I love you have a good day." It was a "see ya later" "yep." And that's it. What the hell happened?
Well I know what happened. Back when I had knee surgery, Mark was the only one at work (or anywhere, really) who gave a rats ass about me and my well being. He's the only one who asked if I was doing okay. So naturally, nice, attractive guy acts concerned about girl, girl develops a crush for guy. I eventually came to the conclusion that it was just me trying to replace my lack of a father figure in my life, since he's a decent amount of years older than I am, and slowly let it go. A little while later we started talking more at work, hanging out in the office, etc. and the crush started up again. I got the feeling he saw the flirting, which was really only harmless and I didn't expect anything to come of it. Besides, Geoff and I were having problems at the time and I needed to feel that warmth and comfort since I wasn't getting it at home. Well he made a comment to me about not dating younger chicks anymore, and while I played it off like nothing, I got the feeling I knew what he was hinting at. There was this period of several weeks to a month or two of awkwardness between us. We didn't talk much at all and I felt nervous and weird around him, almost like he was an ex I was forced to still work with. Well lately we've been talking more again, joking around, etc. At first I thought I had a crush again, and I was ready to stab myself for being so stupid. But now that I've given in a few days and really thought about it... I think it's a combination of a few things:
First, I think it's the stress from everything. I think I just need to be friends with someone who isn't involved with anything that's causing me stress. Surprisingly, work is the least stressful thing I have going on in my life right now. Secondly... relating to the first thing... I just need a friend. I need a friend I can go out to a bar with, have a few drinks with, and talk. About life, sports... whatever. But I don't have that. I only have two friends, one of which is too busy to do anything and dealing with a divorce, and the other of which is broke, lives on the opposite side of town, and can't drink. So what the hell am I supposed to do? I think he'd be a good drinking buddy, but what do I know? I don't have the balls to ask him for a drink anyway, 'cause he'd probably take it the wrong way.
I just am at a loss as far as what to do. There's no passion, no romance, not even a "yeah we're getting married soon" feeling. It's just... empty. The house is empty, when we talk it's like we're strangers. I'm just really, really scared. I don't want to call off the wedding. I don't want to look like a jackass to everyone. I don't want to waste that much money. I just want to go back and redo everything. I don't know what I'd change, if anything. I just... am really scared. That's all.
Geoff asked me if there was something on my mind the other day, because it looked like I had something I wanted to say. I had a lot on my mind, but I wanted him to say something. He hasn't brought up anything that's happened since we talked on the phone the other day while he was at work. I have a feeling that nothing is going to come of this, and it's just going to happen again. I need discussion, plans of attack, an understanding of feelings on both sides... but instead I feel like he thinks everything is fine. I've been trying to keep my distance, and it's really not that hard -- I don't think I've ever felt this distant from him. There was something different about this time around that broke me inside.
I managed to snag about 5 hours of sleep I think. I'm not quite sure when I actually fell asleep but the next thing I knew my alarm was going off. As soon as I got into work I was being bitched at for payroll corrections. Yeah we had kind of a lot. Some of them were my fault, most weren't. I left the office angry so I was slamming trailer doors outside. At least yard checks went faster, which was good because it was cold. I felt better after that and when I got a spare moment I sat down and looked at the corrections and gave an explanation for each one. Like I said, most weren't my fault. Besides, what do you expect when you only give me 4 days of training on something that most people get two weeks on?
A part of me didn't want to go home this morning, or wanted to at least take my time so I wouldn't have to see Geoff. I was just getting home as he was leaving, so it was pretty good timing I guess. It felt so strange seeing him. I didn't say much to him, didn't even really have it in me to look at him. I felt kind of numb. I felt like he was a stranger when he was standing in front of me talking to me. But after he left the feeling started to come back and I started to cry. Well, kind of. It's hard to cry when it's 14 degrees outside (and kind of hurts). I came back inside after about 5 minutes of walking. So much for clearing my head.
My knee is still hurting me. I've gone to three physical therapy appointments so far and it always hurts more after the appointments. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. The ultrasound treatment doesn't hurt, just feels a bit weird with the pulses and what not. It's the deep tissue massage that hurts. Afterwards my knee feels like it stiffens and cramps up more easily for a few days. *shrug* no idea. I guess I'll give it a little bit of time before I go back to the doctor. I just feel like I'm falling apart physically and mentally. Physically every single joint in my body aches, cracks and pops. My knee is swollen from months ago, my finger is still swollen from over a month ago... I feel like nothing is healing. And mentally I feel like I'm just not here. I feel like I walk around in a daze most of the time, like I'm here but not. Almost like I'm watching myself from above... sort of.
I feel like I've gone through this enough times in my head and written it out other places that it was time for me to write it in my own journal.
Long story short, Geoff went on a massive porn viewing spree from last weekend up until sometime this week I guess. I understand we've both been busy and stressed out and we haven't seen each other much, but honestly, things wouldn't be nearly as bad if he had confided in me about it. I thought that's what we agreed on the last time we went to therapy?
I have to say I'm hurt, as usual. But this time it's more. I just feel absolutely disgusting. I mean I feel sick just thinking about myself, how I look, how I act, how other people see me. I feel fat, disgusting, ugly and not worth anything. Self esteem has hit a new low I think. I haven't been eating much the past week or two (or more, I lost count) and this certainly isn't going to help it any. That's okay though, wouldn't mind shedding a few pounds anyway.
I'm feeling kind of numb right now. I think aside from the lying and feeling stupid for believing him every single time he said he was going to stop, the part that's the most degrading is the type of porn he seems to be drawn to. All chicks in the porn industry have big tits but he seems to like to go to sites dedicated to that specifically. And me, with absolutely zero chest, has to wonder... if that's what he's attracted to, then why is he with me? You can't build a relationship out of liking someone for just their personalities, and you can't for just physical reasons -- it has to be both. I feel like I'm lacking in both departments for him, but mostly physically. When he tries to reassure me I can't help but think how full of shit he is. I feel like there is little to no trust in the relationship right now. I'm so damn tired though I could care less. I've been up since midnight, only got 4 hours of sleep before that... it's been a long week.
I understand that overcoming an addiction is hard work and it isn't going to happen overnight. I've overcome an addiction to cutting and smoking, both of which took time, effort and support from loved ones. I try to be supportive of Geoff but it's hard to when he lies about it. At least with me I'd admit to him when I messed up and I'd go to him for help to try and get back on the right track again. I also know that with most addictions, the person never fully "gets over" the addiction. I still have urges to cut (though not much) and I still crave the occasional cigarette (especially in situations like this) but I don't do it. Mostly because I promised Geoff I wouldn't. It's funny, we actually just made a deal a week or two ago -- I wouldn't cut or smoke and he wouldn't watch porn. Yay for keeping your word...
One of my biggest fears with the whole thing (aside from that this addiction goes deeper and he's really a sexaholic and is sleeping with countless women when he says he's working late, or when I'm at work at night and he's home alone) is for our future children. What if we had a daughter who stumbled upon a DVD or a magazine of his? How are we going to explain it to her? Is she going to grow up thinking that that is what women are supposed to look like and act? And what about a son? Is he going to then think that that is how women are supposed to be treated? I've tried explaining it to him before but he doesn't get it. Maybe he will once he has a kid but I don't want to bring a kid into the relationship until the problem is fixed. I don't want to move forward with the wedding until it's fixed for that matter.
And that's another thing... it can't be fixed. It can't be "made up" to me. I wish he would understand that. There is no amount of apologizing, taking out to dinner, doing laundry, cleaning, buying of presents, etc. that can make me feel better about myself and about the relationship. It's just one of those things where he needs to commit to something (getting help, not doing it, admitting when he slips up) and then doing it. And it's just going to take time, but if he wants the relationship to work he'll do it. And if not, then I know where we'll go from there.
A part of me wants to make him pay for it. I'm literally falling asleep here but I was so angry earlier that I wanted to make him beg for me to stay. I wanted to get him all turned on then shoot him down. Have him catch me watching porn of some hot guys with six pack abs, and go to the gym with him and comment on guys with ripped abs and big, strong legs. I wanted to leave him, put the dagger in his heart and make him feel the pain and rejection that I feel every time he does this to me. But I couldn't do that, and the thoughts faded really quickly. That's something the old me would've done, and I would've burned my bridges in the process. But I just can't do that anymore. I don't know if it's because I actually care about him and want this to work, or because I've just been so betrayed and let down in my life that I'm too damaged to care anymore.
On the fun side of things, Kat talked me through revamping his computer. He said he wanted parental controls, haha he got them. Oh man did he get them! To be honest though, I shouldn't have to be a mother to him. We should be a team, not one person always taking care of and looking out for the other. I don't think it's fair to me to have the extra burden of watching every move he makes. I should be able to trust him to do what he says he's going to do. Although I can't really expect him to do that in other aspects (like paying bills) so I guess why should I expect it in this aspect?
And after all of this, I missed out on 4 hours of over time from not being able to go into work for part of the day, I've gotten zero sleep, and I'm going to end up missing out on the cat behavior seminar I was supposed to go to tonight because I am way too tired to drive there right now, let alone in another hour when I'd have to leave. Of course Geoff can't answer his phone so I can't ask him to go for me... not that he would do that for me anyway. As far as he's concerned he wants Gizmo gone. I'm assuming at least, from the way he kicked her when she bit him. *sigh* that actually scared me. It just brought back flashbacks of the guy I dated in high school who mostly just toyed with my emotions and mentally abused me, getting me to do sexual things for him. But the one time he got so angry at me for crying about something (don't remember what) that he grabbed me by shirt and threw me up against the outside of my house (brick... ouch) and told me to knock it off. Yay flashbacks... and what not.
I hate how my body has turned to complete crap in the last three months. When I was marathon training I didn't lose a single pound, Granted I gained a lot of muscle in my legs and my endurance and speed was the best it's ever been, but I felt flabby and like my muscles were loose/not toned. Ever since the race I've been insanely busy, just trying to work extra hours and get money to get back on track financially. I'm doing one, maybe two more Saturday's at work and then that'll be done. But in the meantime I want so badly to get back on a schedule. I found a sleeping schedule that works for me a little while ago and now I'm having trouble sticking with it. Something always comes up and fucks it up. A doctor's appointment, an emergency vet visit, a test, homework, exam, staying late at work, getting crappy sleep because a million people keep calling me in the middle of the freakin' day!!!! Today I have to go out to lunch with my mom, then Christmas shopping with Jessie and then the gym will be closed and that'll be that. It's too cold to go outside and I can't really run anyway. Treadmill is blah and again, aggravates the knee. I'm just so damn irritated with all of this!!
The frustrating part is that last week I ate pretty good. I ate healthy and a LOT less and yet I still weigh the same. I'm trying really hard and my efforts don't seem to get me anywhere. I'm not *completely* inactive. I walk (run, really) around outside at work through gigantic snowbanks and what not, and open trailer doors for an hour every night. It doesn't sound like much but trailer doors can be heavy and when you're going fast it's enough to get the heart pumping a bit.
I know I'm going to physical therapy to help rehab my knee but it's just getting in the way of so many things. I feel like no matter what time I do it at, it's going to inconvenience me in some way. I feel like I can never win. I also feel like a part of my knee problem is my weight, but I can't seem to lose any weight without exercising, and since I can't exercise because of my knee... *sigh*
I just feel like I'm so far off of where I was just a few months ago that I'll never get back on. I want to just throw in the towel but I hate the way I look and feel. I absolutely hate myself right now. I just want to go back in time and keep pushing myself after the race. I was actually starting to lose weight for a few weeks there and then I had to double shift at work which left absolutely no time and led to me eating to stay awake, and lack of sleep and increased food intake with less exercise = weight gain.
And right now it's almost 6am. I've been asleep for 4 lousy freakin' hours after only sleeping 4 the night before. I have to be up by 10am and I can't get to sleep. I fucking hate myself. I literally feel like stabbing myself in the gut right now.
I absolutely hate Christmas shopping. I've got a fairly small list of people to shop for but hell if I know what to get these people. Trying to think of something for the future in-laws is just ARG. Especially when two of them just had birthdays! Friends are easier, especially when they tell you what they want (thank you Kat). And I don't even know what to get my mom. She wants a new TV but hell if I'm going to buy her that. So what a new power strip for the TV? *rips hair out*
Now I know why I waited this long to begin shopping.
I'm feeling increasingly abandoned right now. First Claire's parents didn't return my message (which they said they probably wouldn't and it came off as kind of off to me). Then Claire stopped emailing me. Then the other day Jessie rushed me off the phone and hasn't called me back. ...did I do something? Not do something? *confused*
On another note, I have my first PT appointment today. My PCP says it's a MCL sprain. We'll see what the PT says. Watch they'll put me in a brace and crutches. Haha work would love that. "Sorry guys, can't do yard checks in the freezing cold and snow. DARN!" I'd probably wait until the end of the semester and then just say fuck it and go on disability until the next semester begins. Haha that'd be frickin' sweet. I'd go nuts though, just sitting around not being able to do anything.
It's been too long. A lot of stuff has been happening lately and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. I'm really bad about writing and venting in a journal like this on a regular basis but I think I'll give it another go. I guess I just like to get feedback from people instead of just writing to no one.
Wedding planning is going insanely slow. We don't have a lot of money and I have absolutely zero help. Everyone is offering to help with the little things -- centerpieces, invitations, DIY projects -- but I need help with the bigger things -- choosing a photographer, a caterer. Geoff is busy with work and school so he doesn't have the time. I've dragged him around a few places but it's always such a hassle to match our schedules up and the vendors schedules to find a time where we can all meet. Geoff is slowly becoming more involved but only after much nagging and many arguments about it. Does it really need to be this hard? I mean, if he wanted to get married... wouldn't he want to be a part of the planning process? He seems to have a say in what he *doesn't* want, but never what he *does* want. *sigh*
School is almost done with for this semester... yay, only about 5 more to go... ugh.
That's all I really feel like venting about now. My brain feels dead.